~♥Dark Lady♥~

2008-11-17T07:34:00.000-08:00

I found this today hidden in a remote area of the Living Room.

Hi Santa,

I Love you so much.
You are so cool you make kids happy everyhare
you know some kids don't beleve in you wow crazy right
well for Crimis I was hoping I can get coloring books and a good crismis for my Mom and my sister and me that wood be grate

2008-11-03T05:10:00.001-08:00

Sound Familar, Guys?

2008-10-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

I love Candy Corn.

Halloween Candy Corn.

I don't eat Indian Corn or Bunny Corn or Cupid Corn

CANDY CORN and Candy Corn alone.

(OK I'll eat Candy Pumpkins too but only the orange part, the green part is nasty)

I do not want to live in a world with Vegan Candy Corn or All Natural Candy Corn...the more sugar and artificial ingredients the better.

October 30th is national Candy Corn Day.

2008-09-23T11:50:00.000-07:00

Took a trip to the orchard with the kids.
They both picked long shaped pumpkins but I prefer the more squaty shaped ones.
Guess I have a teeny weeny bit of Cinderella in me!

2008-09-19T04:43:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to the wake of a childhood friend.
If you recall he was in a single engine plane crash back in July.
He was in a coma, had multiple surgeries to amputate more and more of his legs and he finally passed away on Monday.
He was 38 years old and his wife predeceased him; she did not survive the crash.

This was a truly bizarre experience for me.
I had not seen him in over 25 years and the person I remembered was nothing like the adult he had become.
He was the neighborhoods “Chunk” long before Goonies was ever a movie.
He was plump and jovial and good natured; always, always ready with a big toothy grin.
The kid everyone got along with because he could be such a chameleon.
The kid we all swore would be still “trying to find himself” when he was 38; we all thought he become a typical aging frat boy.
He grew into a very handsome man,
Still jovial, from what I understand.
He went on to own an Inn, skydive, scuba, become an avid motorcyclist things we never though he’d even dream about as a child.

Everywhere I turned I ran into my childhood.
People I hadn’t see since I was 14 or so, people I didn’t recognized but who recognized me; people who still live in this small town but yet I haven’t seen in years.
Of course we reminisced and laughed and felt guilty and promised not to let another 25 years go by before we’d see each other again but as we all know the chances of that happening are slim.
I think because once we were through reminiscing we would find that we would have very little in common.

I left the wake feeling sad for a family’s loss and feeling a wee bit lost myself.

2008-09-16T04:45:00.001-07:00

glitter-graphics.com

2008-09-05T07:22:00.001-07:00

If you are a woman or young girl or know a woman or young girl
pass this on to them.

It's from Seventeen magazine
I vow to:

Remember that the sun will still rise tomorrow even if I had one too many slices of pizza or an extra scoop of ice cream tonight.
Never blame my body for the bad day I'm having.
Stop joining in when my friends compare and trash their own bodies.
Never allow a dirty look from someone else to influence how I feel about my appearance.
Quit judging a person solely by how his or her body looks — even if it seems harmless — because I'd never want anyone to do that to me.
Notice all the amazing things my body is doing for me every moment I walk, talk, think, breathe...
Quiet that negative little voice in my head when it starts to say mean things about my body that I'd never tolerate anyone else saying about me.
Remind myself that what you see isn't always what you get on TV and in ads — it takes a lot of airbrushing, dieting, money, and work to look like that.
Remember that even the girl who I'd swap bodies with in a minute has something about her looks that she hates.
Respect my body by feeding it well, working up a sweat when it needs it, and knowing when to give it a break.
Realize that the mirror can reflect only what's on the surface of me, not who I am inside.
Know that I'm already beautiful just the way I am.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

2008-08-22T06:39:00.000-07:00

I can not avoid mirrors, they are a part of my everyday life...In a big way.
For those of you who don't know, I'm a dance teacher and everyday I have to face a wall of mirrors sometimes more than one wall.

I have trained my eyes to only see the movement my body makes and not actually "see" myself.
It's a survival instinct, a coping mechanism.
If I actually had to look at my self I'd go mad.

I accepted my body a long time ago, it is what it is and I'm not too upset by it. I've actually changed my body quite a bit by working out; you could say that I can control my body.
Diet, exercise, how I stand and what I wear can all make a big difference.

My face on the other hand, I have no control over and that's where my war really is. I don't like my face. Is that really awful? I know so many woman who have body issues but tell me that they concentrate on their faces and how pretty they look.

I have trained my self to avoid looking at my entire face, I'll look at my eyes but only the actual eyeball because my droopy eyelids make me sad. I'll look at my lips but not the area where my chin would be if I had a chin. I'll put blush on but avoid looking at the chipmunk cheeks that are slowly but surely becoming jowls.

Say what you want but it's what I see, when I see.
In the vernacular I truly believe I am a "Buttah Face"
Everything is hot buttah face
But that's fine because I don't look at my face, at least not from close up and definitely without my glasses.

I want to be the kind of person (like many men I know) who look in the mirror and say, "YEAH! That's what I'm talking 'bout" or something like that.

So...What do you see when you look in the mirror?

2008-08-15T07:40:00.000-07:00

The show went great!
A few technical problems.
Some not my fault, the mics; Some my fault, always thought ANY curtain that moved was a traveler!
Anyhoo...the kids pulled it out of their...major talent center and put on a good show.
Two more to go.
Oh and I got paid!
Which means after paying bills I'll have enough to buy a pack of gum and maybe a lottery ticket!

did the blogger dashboard change or I am seeing things?

2008-08-14T06:01:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to sleep leaving the kitchen counter a complete mess.
This morning I woke up and it was sparkling clean.
Maybe my children cleaned it while I was asleep?
I will not know until they wake up but the odd and kind of cool thing is, this morning I had a dream that I was sitting in the back seat of my car with my mother driving and in the passenger seat was my mother in law.
They were chatting about my kids and my father in law.
It wasn't a sad dream at all, it was comforting.
Maybe sweet Bernadette whispered something into my children's ear early this morning?

2008-08-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

I've been reading M Scott. Peck's The Road Less Traveled for nearly a year now.
It hasn't taken me that long!
I just keep re-reading and nodding my head.

I have always felt that this thing called "Romantic Love" was fleeting and at times I've believed that it was non existent.

You should read what old Dr. Peck says about it.

Here's a quote on love

"Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity. . .Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. . . . love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.....true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it is correct to say, 'Love is as love does'.”

I'll leave you with this, I was just "informed" that all women want love and marriage and roses and kisses.
I replied. "This woman wants respect and consideration."
That got a laugh but I was serious.
I'm not settling for less...from anyone.

2008-08-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

My young dancer who injured herself is doing well.
She will remain at Blythdale Children's Hospital for at least the next two months but she is walking and in good spirits.

My youngest will not leave my side which I think is normal considering the circumstances.
She is nervous that I will, well die.
Yesterday she told me , "The only reason I live is to be with you."
She is getting plenty of reassurance and we are talking.

The elder daughter is moody but she's 12 and that pretty much is her natural state.

I'm doing OK, I really let myself mourn at the funeral which is just what I do, I always express my emotions.

I am in rehearsal for a show which opens soon and last night the cast sang Seasons of Love and that made me tear up but besides that so far so good.

Summer is closing fast and I've yet to put on a bathing suit and it doesn't look like I will be putting one on any time soon.
There will be no summer vacation for me this year, well the kids will be on vacation which means I'll have the house to myself which could be considered a vacation of sorts BUT I plan on shampooing the carpets and painting while they're gone.

I WAS really exicted about a summer BBQ party I am attending tomorrow but I just found out another guest will be bringing her three unruly children one of whom is in the cast of my show.
I guess I need to be on my best behavior now.

Sigh

2008-08-07T04:52:00.000-07:00

Since I have known her, my mother in law has had a "Death Box".
A plastic shoe box filled with instructions for her family upon her death.
Where she wanted to be waked, where she wanted to be interred.
Readings for her funeral mass, hymns and songs she wanted played.
She even wrote her own obituary.
I have known her nearly 20 years and she updated the box regularly, changing locations as she moved around the state.
More recently as her time on this Earth grew to an end she also picked her dress that she wanted to be buried in and began to divide up her belongings.
This may seem odd to you but it was one of the greatest gifts she could have given her family.
Her children and devoted husband had very little to worry about, you see she took care of them even in her death.

My mother, who has been preparing me and my siblings for her death since I can remember, also has instructions though not a "Death Box".
She's starting one this weekend.
I'm starting one myself because anything can happen.

Thank you for all your kind words, they brought a little light to my days.

2008-08-03T07:17:00.000-07:00

WHAT DO YOU GIVE TO THE LADY

WHO HAS GIVEN ALL HER LIFE

AND LOVE TO YOU?

WHAT DO YOU GIVE

TO THE REASON YOU`RE LIVIN`?

I COULD WINDOWSHOP THE WORLD

BEFORE I`M THROUGH.

MAMA, A RAINBOW,

MAMA, A SUNRISE,

MAMA, THE MOON TO WEAR.

THAT`S NOT GOOD ENOUGH,

NO, NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

NOT FOR MAMA.

MAMA, A PALACE.

DIAMONDS LIKE DOORKNOBS.

MOUNTAINS OF GOLD TO SPARE.

THAT`S NOT RICH ENOUGH,

NOT HALF RICH ENOUGH,

NOT FOR MAMA.

MAMA, A LIFETIME,

CROWDED WITH LAUGHTER,

THAT`S NOT LONG ENOUGH,

NOT HALF LONG ENOUGH.

WHAT CAN I GIVE YOU

THAT I CAN GIVE YOU?

WHAT WILL YOUR PRESENT BE?

MAMA YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL.

ALWAYS YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL.

THAT`S THE MAMA I`LL ALWAYS SEE,

THAT`S FOR MAMA WITH LOVE FROM ME.

~ from the musical Minnie's Boys by Hal Hackady and Larry Grossman

At 6:00 pm August 2, a woman who became my second mother lost her battle with cancer and passed from this life.
She was the head and heart of her family and her passing leaves a hole that will never be filled.
May she rest in peace.

For KJ

2008-07-29T05:02:00.000-07:00

50 ODD Things about you! Learn 50 things about your friends, and let them learn 50 things about you!

1. Do you like blue cheese? Yes! The stinkier and sharper the better.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? no

3. Do you own a gun? NO

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? I've never been to a Sonic

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Always

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Love 'em

7. Favorite Christmas Song? O Holy Night

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee with skim milk only

9. Can you do push ups? Yes at least 50 in a row and not sissy ones!

10. What was the name of your first girlfriend/boyfriend? Mark

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? A green bloodstone ring

12. Favorite hobby? Vegetating

13. Do you work with people who idolize you? I seriously doubt it.

14. Do you have A.D.D.? What?

15. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? Short tempered

16. Middle name? Marie

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.

A. I don't want to work today.

B. I hope my ex mother is law is OK this morning

C. Shit, I forgot to buy cat food last night.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday.

A. nothing

B. nothing

C. nothing...I've got $12.oo in my checking account

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Water, coffee, diet pepsi

20. Current worry right now? Bernadette

21. Current hate right now? ex.

22. Favorite place to be? on a beach.

23. How did you bring in the New Year? With some very good friends.

24. Where would you like to go? England then Greece

25. Name three people who will complete this? Mary, Mike and Jeff

26. Whose answer do you want to read the most? Jeff's

27. What color shirt are you wearing? green

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Nope, they slid off the bed

29. Can you whistle? yep

30. Favorite color(s)? blue

31. Would you be a pirate? No, too much work

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? Currently, "Shall We Dance"

33. Favorite girl's name? Emilia

34. Favorite boy's name? James

35. What's in your pocket right now? No pockets

36. Last thing that made you laugh? Schadenfreude

37. Best bed sheets as a child? Holly Hobbie

38. Worst injury you've ever had? 7 inch splinter lodged in my gluteus maximus

39. Do you love where you live? Yes

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3

41. Who is your loudest friend? I'm the loud one

42. How many dogs do you have? 0

43. Does someone have a crush on you? I seriously doubt it

44. Who is your favorite president? FDR, followed closely by Jimmy Carter ( apres presidency really)

45. What is your favorite book? Little Women

46. What is your favorite candy? the chocolate kind

47. What is your favorite sports team? Patriots

48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Only one song? I want an entire musical revue!

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? worrying

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? how's Bernadette?

2008-07-26T12:47:00.000-07:00

In the wake of the death of Randy Pausch
( if you do not know who was click the link or Google him, you won't be disappointed)
I have been thinking alot about CHILDHOOD DREAMS and achieving them.
The first thing I tried to do was to think of my childhood dreams and beyond becoming a dancer...I can't remember them.
I honestly don't remember having any.
I think for a brief time I wanted to be in the circus...I wanted to ride the elephant at the beginning of the show but that's about it.
I really can't think of anything else.
I wanted to travel in time but I don't think I'll be achieving that any time soon.
Beyond that, I got nuttin'.
Is that bad?
I don't know if I can't remember my childhood dreams or if I just didn't have them.
Is that normal?
Even today, I really don't have any dreams.
I'd like to travel but that's more of a fantasy because I don't think I'll ever have the money or time to travel past say...Rhode Island.
Is it bad not to have dreams?
And let's not even get started on goals!!

2008-07-25T05:16:00.000-07:00

The last update I had about my dancer is that after surgery she walked a few steps.
Good news.
She does not have feeling in one arm but the Dr's think it's because of swelling and that may change.
Thank you for your kind words and good thoughts.

Me?
I'm fine.
Busy, insanely broke.
I need a vacation but I don't think I'll get one.
I'm fine but sometimes I want to jump up and down and shout,
"ME, ME, ME!!! SOMEONE TAKE CARE OF ME!!!"
But I don't.
I find ways of diverting myself.
I watch a lot of Hulu.
I've been having strange dreams.

A dull weekend looms before me then starting Sunday I'm in rehearsal everyday for the next two weeks.

2008-07-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

I'm currently working on a musical review with a young cast.
This morning I got word that one of the young dancers broke her neck diving into a pool.
She was rushed into surgery and as of this evening she took some steps but does not have feeling in one of her arms.
I don't know why I am telling you this except that I ask you to send good thoughts her way.

2008-07-21T06:09:00.000-07:00

I visited my "mother in law" on Saturday and she was in much better spirits so it was a much more pleasant visit and we actually had a few laughs.
I really went along with the ex and the girls, partly because I wasn't going to miss an opportunity to see her and partly because the girls hate to be alone with their father.
He's just an emotionally unavailable person.

Friday I spent the day with my "friend" or as he says "very good friend" my girls, my nephew and his niece at a local amusement park. I HATE amusement parks, I don't "do" rides, but I went because the girls wanted to go and I wanted to give that to them.
The day went rather well and the girls were happy.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday I took a 10 hour Zumba certification course.
Yes, 10 hours of dancing.
I was exhausted BUT the good news is that a person could burn up to 10 calories in a Zumba class SOOoOOOO I had Wendy's Baconator double cheese burger for lunch.
You know the only reason I exercise is so I can eat like a horse!!!
Anyhoo...So I got certified to teach Zumba yesterday.
So did about 60 other people.
Out of the remaining people I'd only recommend taking classes from about 6 of them.
I could see the frustration in the face of our Instructor as she was trying to get the other 54 people to just...move in the correct direction.
My boss does not pay his instructors NEAR enough, if he saw the general lack of talent that is out there he would be worshipping at our feet.

Speaking of worshipping I became an Ordained Minister the other day.
Yes, I am now an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church.
Why?
I'm not really sure except that it has relived some boredom and become a great conversation starter.
I am available for all your wedding, funeral and baptismal needs PLUS I can choreograph your first dance together, if you're a bride or groom of course.

2008-07-13T09:22:00.000-07:00

My children's grandmother, their father's mother, a woman who has been a constant soucre of love and understanding for all of us is dying.

She has cancer.

It's in her brain, her liver, her pancreas and her bones.

There is no bouncing back from this cancer, as she did from her bout of breast cancer six years ago, it is just a matter of time.

Today, tomorrow, next month maybe next year no one knows for sure.

I've never dealt with something like this before.

I've lost love ones but it's always been sudden, there on day gone the next.

This is torturous.

Tortuous because I am dealing with the loss of my "other" mother and because I have to deal with my children watching their grandmother die.

In some ways it is worse.

2008-07-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

My mother just phoned me.

A childhood friend was in a single engine plan crash on Thursday.
He survived but lost both of his legs.
His wife died in the crash.

My life isn't that bad after all.

2008-07-05T05:27:00.000-07:00

I learned a new word today, it's Portuguese actually.

Saudade

It's very appropos.

2008-07-04T07:13:00.001-07:00

2008-07-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

The days stretch out endlessly the only thing that breaks them up is work or house work which I try to avoid.
Boredom and this feeling of nothing fills my body.
Doldrums, maybe?
Hopelessness?

I don't know all I know is I don't want to leave my house or talk to anyone I just want to stare at the tv or the computer screen or nothing and think of nothing and feel nothing.

I feel like a dog waiting for his master that will probably never return but I still sit on the stoop waiting, wagging my tail when I hear a car pass and then going back to waiting when the car drives by.

I can't shake it, part of me doesn't want to shake it.

this kept me busy for a bit

2008-06-26T11:45:00.000-07:00

Go to flickr.
Type your answer to each of the following questions into the search, then choose an image from the first page.
Copy and paste the URL of each image into this handy Mosaic Maker (you'll want to choose 3 columns and 4 rows).

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One word to describe you.
12. Your nickname.

2008-06-25T06:48:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't been posting more but all I have to post are complaints and I get tired of hearing myself complain.

2008-04-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I went to a family wedding by myself and stayed in a Hotel room by myself.

I went with the goal of meeting at least one new person, male or female single or married it didn't matter I just wanted to meet a new person, more than one person would have been nice too.

It seems that no one mingles any more or maybe they never did and I am just noticing it more.

I walked around the reception hall smiling and even speaking to people but they seem to just think it was odd that a stranger was speaking to them.

This wasn't a back wood wedding with local yokels either.

I was in NYC with people from the public relations field.

I grow weary of people telling me to get out there and meet people when people don't seem to want to get meeted!

2008-04-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

Spring Break. My kids are home for ten consecutive days.

Kill. Me. Now.

2008-04-15T04:12:00.000-07:00

It's a new day and with new days come new beginings.

And today if you buy and size coffee at Dunkin Donuts you get a free donut of your choice. That's as good as any reason to be happy.

2008-04-11T13:31:00.001-07:00

I can feel him receding from my life dragging behind him the detritus of our time together like a tsunami retreating from the shores of paradise.
Every where I look I see parts of him like debris left on the beach.
I have no energy to clean up to remove all reminders of him instead preferring to walk among the remains crying with each emerging memory.
I always loved beach combing, looking for treasure among the trash hoping to find or to be found.
I should be angry at him for leaving because he claimed we were no longer fun together.
I should be outraged and fed up with his behavior but all I can feel is this giant weight of loneliness pressed against my chest making it difficult to breathe.
I am holding on to the hope that he will return to me like a wave returning to the shore and once again we can be together in whatever form our together chooses.

For now, I walk with my head down not to search for treasure but to hide my tears from a world that wants me to forget someone I want to remember.

Letter never sent

2008-04-08T04:42:00.000-07:00

Dear__________,

That was a stunning email you sent to me.

I had no idea that you were so miserable on Friday night, your performance in the bedroom showed none of your displeasure with me.

I agree that I did call you an A-hole and I did say you were demanding and bitchy.

You know that I do not like to be bossed around and your telling me to go fetch something for you compounded the anger I felt about your scheduling event three Saturday nights in a row that did not include me. I was angry that I had to change my plans and the plans of my family.

I apologize, I can be a horrible bitch when I am angry.

You have told me before that your allergies make you intolerable, I had no idea that you meant you could not tolerate other people I thought you meant it made you intolerable to others.

I was under the impression that the three prescriptions you take for your allergies, the prescription eye drops plus the raw honey and benedrile would some how relieve you of some of your allergy suffering.

I apologize for hurting your feelings, you are right you do not need anyone in your home calling you an A-hole.

I am willing to take all the blame for that however stating that "Maybe we spend too much time together not in the (bedroom)" has rocked me to the core.

If you recall at the beginning of this "relationship", or whatever you wish to call it, we both agreed to keep things on a light and easy day to day level.

It was YOU that crossed the line.

I was more than willing to keep it physical but YOU were the one that started asking for little favors and yes I did them a. because I am a nice person and I enjoy doing things for the people I like and b. I figured that you wanted a little more.

So I shaved your neck, I lotioned your back, I used the back massager on you, I helped you choose your paint colors for your bedroom and gifts for your nieces and I met your friends. I did it all because I LIKED you and I actually began to care about you and enjoy having you in my life.

SHAME ON ME.

SHAME ON ME for assuming that meeting your ENTIRE family made us more than friends with benefits.

SHAME ON ME for assuming that you being sometimes thoughtful and sweet made you more than just a sex partner.

SHAME ON ME for assuming that the small things you did for me were more than just "paying for pussy".

SHAME ON ME for letting you into MY life and letting my girls fall in love with you.

SHAME, SHAME on me.

I did all those things because you asked but more importantly I did all those things because I wanted to and all I asked in return was for you to be kind to me, to respect me, to allow me to have some importance in your life.

I never asked for you to adore me or to love me, I never asked for more of a commitment than just to be decent to me.

I believe that I have been far from demanding.

So now what?

I apologized and I said I cared about you.

I haven't heard from you since.

Maybe we do need time apart but know this;

If you walk away you will be making the biggest mistake of your life.

I am smart and funny.

I am strong and I have an amazing body and I think I am quite pretty.

(BTW you've never said these things to me but it's OK, I learned along time ago to do alot of things for myself)

I am a salty bobcat pretzel in the bedroom and you won't find another one like me.

Trust me, I hang out with alot of women and I know what they do or don't do in the bedroom.

I am trustworthy and loyal and I never make demands on the people I care about.

I am always there for my friends.

PLUS I don't take any shit from anyone and you KNOW you enjoyed that!

You would be throwing away the best thing that ever came into your life.

Here's the thing.

If we continue it's one way or another.

Booty call or relationship, you can NOT have your cake and eat it too no matter what your culture teaches you.

The ball is in your court.

signed,

Me

PS Sorry but what does happened between you and I DOES affect your relationship with my children. Why would I let my girls hang out with a guy that thinks all I am is a warm pussy?

Please,

I don't want you to tell me what a jerk he is
I don't want you to tell me that there's more fish in the sea
I don't want to hear what a mistake he's making.
All I want is him and I just don't know if that's going to happen

2008-03-31T04:50:00.000-07:00

I have always had a "thing" for Garden Gnomes, maybe it's their pointy little hats?

I just can't help myself!
I want to fill my garden with the little things.

Though I've given them as gifts I don't own a single one!

Maybe this year!

I'll become that strange woman who wears big straw hast and has hundreds of garden statues.

Yeah, I could handle that.

2008-03-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

When my mother sent this email to me I got all uptight and was ready to fire back an email asking her not to perpetuate the Irish sterotype but then half way down the list I pee'd my pants laughing.

Trust me, I feel guilty about it!

What It Means To Be Irish
1. You will never play professional basketball
2. You swear very well
3. At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds a political office.
4. You think you sing very well
5. You have no idea how to make a long story short.
6. There isn't a big difference between losing your temper or killing someone.
7. Most of your childhood meals were boiled
8. You have never hit your head on a ceiling
9. You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer
10. You're strangely poetic after a few beers
11. You are therefore, poetic a lot.
12. You will be punched for no good reason....a lot.
13. Some punches directed at you are legacies of past generations
14. Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen
15. Someone in your family is incredibly cheap, It is more likely you
16 You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing
17 You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking
18 You are not nearly as funny as you think you are......but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.
19 There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last keg party.
20 You are, or you know someone named Murph.
21 If you don't know Murph, then you know Mac, If you don't know a Murph or a Mac then you know Sully
22 You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret
23 You have Irish Alzheimer's ......you forget everything but the grudges!
24 Irish Stew is a euphemism for "boiled leftovers"
25 All of your losses are alcohol related (loss of virginity, loss of drivers license, loss of money, loss of job, loss of significant other, loss of teeth from punch...) but it never stops you from drinking - EVER!!

The only thing that doesn't apply to me is that my Momma's Italian and I ate good!

2008-02-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

Saturday was my 43rd Birthdy.
It was a nice quiet day.
No real surprises except for the fact that there was no aggravation.
I wish I could figure out how to banish aggrivation from my everdays and not just my birthdays!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2008-02-14T06:43:00.001-08:00

2008-02-04T05:28:00.000-08:00

This Thursday I am off to Manhattan for my yearly Fitness Convention.
In honor of that I am declaring this week Fitness Week!
Today's Topic:
Obesity.

FYI:

The CDC has declared Obesity to be a PANDEMIC proportions.
Pandemic proportions.
Just to put that into perspective some other notable pandemics have been;
The Bubonic Plague which killed approximately 20-30 millions Europeans
and
The Asian Flu outbreak of 1957-1958 which killed 70,000 people in the US
To put it plainly, Obesity is killing people.

This is the first generation of children in over 100 years that may not outlive their parents BECAUSE OF CHILDHOOD OBESITY!!!

What is obesity?
Obesity is defined as having a Body Mass Index (BMI) higher than 30 though waist size needs to be taken into account. Women with a waist size higher than 35 inches and men with a waist size higher than 40 are also at a risk for obesity.To calculate you BMI click here.
FYI: WHO states that a BMI of 25 makes you overweight.
Before I became a fitness instructor I had a BMI of 32.
32.
I wasn't buying clothes in a special store, in fact I was still in the single digits size wise, yet I was considered OBESE and unhealthy.
I LOOKED fine but I wasn't.
Why am I telling you this?
Because when we think of obesity we need to not only think of the person who may need to purchase an extra airline seat because of their size but also the person who may look OK but is maybe punching an extra hole in their belt.
You may need to look at yourself or a loved one.
I'm asking you to check your BMI AND your children's BMI.
Being overweight puts you at a risk for heart disease, type 2 diabetes, osteoarthritis, high blood pressure as well as some types of cancers.

If you check and you think your BMI puts you or someone you love in the danger zone SEE YOUR DOCTOR.

How to prevent Obesity?

If you're concerned about your BMI and want to make changes every professional is going to tell you 3 things;

Lower your calorie intake.

On average, women need 10–11 calories per pound per day to stay at their current weight. Men need 12–14 calories per pound per day.

Increase your level of movement.

To maintain your current body weight a person should exercise 30 miuntes a day 3 days a week.

That means to burn fat you need to move more!

FYI: On average people exercise 30 minutes one day a week.

Make Lifestyle Changes.

What does this mean? Making healthy food choices, eating non healthy foods in moderation and making time to move EVERY DAY.

So eat less, move more and make changes in the way you live.

Sounds so simple but I know it isn't.

If you think you need help with any of this you probably do so see a professional, a Doctor, a nutritionistand/or a trusted and certified trainer.

This is not about fitting into a "box". It's not about being perfect or being "model thin" this is about your health and your children's healthy.

Please remeber that I am not an expert, I'm just someone who is passionate about helping and keeping people fit and healthy. If you suspect that you or someone you care about is obese see a Doctor!

2008-01-31T04:49:00.001-08:00

2008-01-25T05:23:00.000-08:00

I wish I had a nickname.
I have derivations of my name that people call me.
Some I like some I hate but I don't have a true nickname.
A substitute name given to a person, usually descriptive and given in fun or affection.

glitter-graphics.com

2008-01-22T04:51:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or do coffee mugs multiply in other people's cabinets too?
One day you're just fine with how many mugs you have and then the next you wake up and find that you have rows and rows of coffee mugs stacked two deep.
Do mugs have genders or do mugs parthenogentically reproduce?
They're like those little sample shampoo bottles I keep finding under the bathroom sink.
I don't travel yet I seem to have a never ending supply of them.

2008-01-13T08:57:00.000-08:00

When life hands me lemons I do, in fact, try to make lemonade but there is just so much lemonade a person can drink before it begins to eat a hole in your stomach.

2008-01-09T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm here.
I'm just tired and discouraged and over whelmed right now.

2007-12-19T08:39:00.000-08:00

Christmas Traditions.
My father and I have one.
Since I was 7 years old he and I would go Christmas shopping for my mother's gifts then he'd take me out to dinner.
My dad was and is a very "Blue Collar" kind of guy, rarely shows emotion and though he was very involved in my brother's life I think that he just didn't know what to do with daughters so I felt left out at times.
He's a good man just a little distant.
Well our time together has always been special to me.
HOWEVER as I got older and the dinners got more elaborate my mother started horning in on our time together.
She now goes shopping with us.
She leaves Dad and I to do our shopping while she goes off and does her own thing and then goes to dinner with us.
It's not as fun but it's a free meal, right?
Last night we went to the mall.
The preparations were tedious.
I received a detailed list of items that she wanted.
She included a map of the store and marked where the items were located.
My father was given 2 coupons and a Macy's credit card in my Mother's name and explained something about my Dad could, after using the card, use his SS card to pay at macy's.
We had to check twice that my Dad had the card and the coupons.
We loaded ourselves into the car and made the 30 minute trip to the mall.
They argued the entire way there.
My Dad constantly complained about the traffic.
We found a parking space about 1/2 mile from the mall.
Within the first five minutes in Macy's they argued over who had the credit cards and where the coupons were located.
My Mom suspected they were on the kitchen table.
Then there was some difficulty using the card, we found it in my Dad's pocket, because it's in my Mother's name and then they knocked over and entire display of lipsticks at the Estee Lauder counter.
I sat and laughed the entire time.
I guess it's not so bad if my Mom comes along!

2007-12-02T10:16:00.000-08:00

Oh, you're gonna love this one!
Me, my siblings and our respective children had gathered at my parent's house to take the annual Christmas picture of grandchildren and grandparents.
My eldest nephew punched my youngest nephew int he arm and made him cry just as I was about to snap the picture.
The little guy buried his head in his arms and refused to look up.
We all tried to coax him to at least pick his head up but he refused.
Finally my mother says in her best whiskey voice, "Matty pick your head up and take the picture, Grandma might not be around next Christmas!"
(My mother is in perfect health)
My eldest nephew broke the silence, "You did NOT play the death card with a 9 year old?!"
Little Matty picked his head up, "Oh yes she did!"
We got the picture with everyone smiling.

2007-11-26T06:39:00.000-08:00

She did it to me again!
When will I learn?
My mother asked for my Christmas List and I gave it to her:

A Magic Bullet Express Blender to make my smoothies and energy drinks.

A Thumper Mini Pro II Massager which will cut down on my Chiropractor visits.

A Polar Heart Rate Monitor in Pink of course.

And a stylish winter coat.

The response was,

"What do you want that for?"
"I don't think it's proper for you to ask your mother to buy you this."
"NO!"
"I never know what you like"

"I'm not getting you any of this why can't you ask for normal things? I'll get you a gift certificate for Stop & Shop (is that really a gift for me or my family?) and maybe something else."

And on the other side of the fence I asked Zorba to get me something "girlie" and he said he doesnt' do girlie he does practical.

Just once I'd like a "diamond ad" Christmas.
You know what I mean?

2007-11-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

Here's hoping that all of you have something to be truly thankful for!

2007-11-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

AAAAAND this is why I won't be roasting any turkey this Thanksgiving...

Yep, that's my gramma's beloved roasting pan filled with those magic growing thingies.

Don't be dissin' gramma's pan, those blackened parts are little bits of yummy love!

2007-11-12T05:10:00.000-08:00

I'm alright!
Just wanted you to know.
No more random weird men following me around.

For some the start of the holiday season is the Friday after Thanksgiving.
For me, it's today.
Today is my daughter's birthday which I will always remember and always be reminded that Christmas Eve is 6 weeks away.
We're big Christmas Eve celebrators.
Today I will perform the most odious of Christmas tasks ever.
I am getting my children's picture taken.
Not just my children but my sister's and brother's children also.
They're all great kids but the chances of getting 6 kids ages 17-1 year sitting still and smiling all at the same time is, well, near impossible.
BUT we will go to SEARS this morning and do our best to try.
I am actually feeling Christmasy AND full of the holiday spirit.
For those of you who have been with me through past Christmas's know that I usually greet the season with dread.
Not so this year.
Maybe it's because I am making a bit more money and the pay weeks line up well with the holiday OR maybe I am...Happy.
Wow, I am not quite sure what to do with that!
:)

42 days left until Christmas Eve!

2007-11-08T04:47:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's nothing but maybe not.
Last night the girls and I headed off to one of my dance classes.
As usual I was running late and as usual it took forever to get the kids up the step, into the driveway and finally buckled into the car.
I happen to notice a car stopped in the road maybe 20 feet past our house in front of a house which houses a large amount of recent immigrants.
I thought nothing about it, I knew that not all the people living there had a car so I figured that this car was waiting for someone.
I climbed into the passenger seat as the car pulled past me and into my neighbors driveway.
I myself backed out of my driveway and suddenly was blinded by, what I assumed to be, this strange car's headlights.
I drove the 5 minutes to the dance studio never giving it a second thought.
The dance studio is located in the middle of town.
As I drove down the street there was perpendicular parking to my right and a parking lot to my left.
I didn't see a spot to my right so I put on my left turn signal.
I noticed the car behind me had a left signal on too.
Suddenly I spotted a few spaces on my right and I put on my right turn signal and pulled in, so did the car behind me.
I was now getting a strange feeling.
A man got out of the car, I'd never seen him before but he just looked at me strangely, like he knew me or wanted to speak to me.
I looked at him and told the girls to get out and hurry up.
Of course my "Hurry up!" was met with "Why?" instead of a quicken pace.
I didn't tell them why, I didn't want to scare them.
Maybe I should have told them?
The man walked on the road side of the cars while the girls and I walked on the sidewalk.
He looked over at us more than once.
I got the girls inside, which was a chore and my stomach still knots up thinking about how slow they walked, and went back to the door.
The man was to the left of the door, just standing there he didn't enter any store or building.
I went back to the girls to make sure they were ok and then looked again.
He passed the door, not looking in and walked away.
I was scared and went to call my ex, I just had this gut feeling that this guy knew my ex, but I had left my phone in my car!
I asked someone to walk with me to my car and retrieved my phone, the guys car was still parked there.
I called my ex who came to the studio and "checked" things out.
He said that there was no car fitting the description I gave him parked next to me and no guy.
I had someone walk us out to the car when class was over.
I am now on edge and I will be.
I brought my phone with me to the bus stop and I made note of every car that passed us this morning.
It may be nothing but then again...

2007-11-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

A student at my child's school is being treated for MSRA, the drug resistant staph infection.
The parents of the children found out through a newspaper article on page 2 of the local paper.
No notification has been sent home yet.
I'm at my wits end.
She's already at school.
Do I go and get her and wait until they disinfect the entire school?

I'm angry and pissed off at this "Blue Ribbon" school.

2007-10-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

I just lost 4 pounds in 45 minutes.

How?

I got my hair cut.

For the past 5 years I have been "growing my hair out".

For the previous 20 years I had short hair, short as in pixie short.

I never liked it short but my family expected my hair to be short.

That was what they were used to and if I ever tried growing it longer I was told,"You look better with short hair."

Five years ago I went on a diet, lost 25 pounds and began to grow my hair out.

I learned alot of things during that time mostly I learned that people don't like you to change.

They place you in a box and expect you to stay in that box forever.

I also learned that people were lying all those years I do NOT look better with short short hair.

Anyway...

My hair had gotten too long.

Yes, this is entirely possible.

My hair was down to the middle of my back and was interfering with my sleep, my driving, my work and it just didn't look good.

Long hair is long hair, not a hair style.

So I chopped it off, not all of it but enough of it that I can donate my hair to Locks of Love.

It is not long enough for Locks of Love to use as part of a wig but is long enough for them to sell and benefit monetarily.

I am being brave and posting a before

and an after

Not pixie short.

Still long enough to be feminine yet short enough that it doesn't get stuck behind my back while I'm driving or smother me in my sleep.

I'm happy and I'll be interested in what people have to say!

2007-10-23T04:15:00.000-07:00

I know that there are females out there who are prettier, sexier, more toned, more beautiful than I am. Especially female celebrities whose job is being beautiful. I am not a stupid person.
I get it, I really do.

So when I have stated that I have my period and you go on and on about how sexy a female dancer on Dancing with the Stars is and say "Marron" not once but five times, do not be surprised when I hang up on you and do not be surprised when I do not apologize.

2007-10-18T06:32:00.000-07:00

The review is in.

...while she occasionaly looks as though she might like to run with the part, she had wisely kept (it) well grounded.

I am MORE than satisfied.
Second time this year this reviewer has called me WISE!

2007-10-15T03:48:00.000-07:00

One more theater post for this month then that is it I swear!

Opening night went well.
The audience was receptive.
They laughed at the appropriate times.

Saturday night the house had a record breaking amount of people.
The theater company invited an adjudicator from a theater association to the performance.
The theater company recently began adjudicating their performances to gain
recognition int the theater community and as a learning experience.
My last directorial foray was the first production to be adjudicated and one of my actors won an award for excellence.
I was...LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING ADJUDICATED*.
I was expecting feedback both positive and negative, I was expecting to be noticed in a 6 member cast.
After sitting through a 45 minute adjudication and listening to 4 of the other actors, quite rightly, be complimented on a job well done, I received a six word nice but vague sentence about me and an other actress.
That was it.
The MAID, who had one scene, got more notice.
I suppose I deserved this after my last post.
I was disappointed and angry.
I felt as if I was not even in the play.**
Oh! The adjudicator kept calling my character by the wrong name so there was that too!

My children had been with me during Saturday night's show and on the way home from the theater they asked why I was so quite and I told them the story and how all I really wanted was to be noticed.
My 11 year old said, "I know what you mean!" and began relating to me stories about how no matter what she does it is always so&so or this one who gets all the credit or the attention.
I teared up and empathised with her.
We smiled and I held her hand for the rest of the ride home.
I did not have the heart to tell her that it it going to get worse.
I did not tell her that when she begins to notice boys they will undoubtedly not notice her because, though I think she is beautiful, she is not conventionally beautiful and that she has also inherited my pear shaped body which teen aged boys do not appreciate as much as the bodies of her well developed friends.
I did not tell her about walking through life feeling as if she was virtually invisible.
We just held hands in the dark and drove silently to my cast party where she was not invisible and was treated like a princess.

*Never, ever, ever expect anything.
Why have not I learned this lesson.

**Could this BE a better example of GODSMACK?!?

2007-10-12T08:41:00.000-07:00

Reasons why I am an oddball in the oddball world of theater.

The Lobby Head Shot Board

Yes, it's true, part of the reason I hate it is because I despise any close up picture of my face.
I honestly hate any picture of my face.
The other part of my detestation is that I FEEL my performance is not about my face or in fact about ME the performance is about the character I portray and how I portray it.
I am really not in this for the recognition, I do like to be respected for my talent but I do not nor do I want people recognizing me all the time.**

The Program Biography.

This may or may not be a secret to you but they little bios of the cast in the program are in fact AUTOBIOGRAPHIES.
Yep, we have to write them ourselves. This goes against my very nature. I really feel uncomfortable talking about my accomplishments if in fact they are even accomplishments. Up until very recently I used to treat the Bio as a forum for my imaginary stand up act.
"Favorite ROLLS include, spring, cinnamon and kaiser"
An actor whose work I highly respect told me that I was selling myself short so I no longer joke in the Bio but I still hate writing them.

The Curtain Call

Yes, it's true, I hate curtain calls. I feel SOOOO uncomfortable standing in front of the audience practically begging for their applause. After the final curtain I'm done, the performance is over let me quietly sneak out the back door which leads me to my other quirky hate...

The after show meet and greet.

Hate it. HATE HATE HATE. I know actors who enjoy this part and that's great but it's not really for me. I've been known to sneak out the back way. I've been told that this is disrespectful to the people who come to see me and this is what I have to say about that; IF, and this is a BIG IF, I ask people to come to see me I will most definitely go and thank them BUT beyond my family I never really ask anyone or tell anyone.
Ell always comes to see me and MCat too and OF COURSE I go and greet them but again beyond them I don't like to greet anyone.
Why? Compliments, I really don't like them. You can't DO anything with them beyond saying "Thank You." Criticisms I can handle because I KNOW what to do with them. Also it's the TYPE of compliment, a "You were great!" really doesn't DO anything for me but a "You really moved me!" or "I cried (or laughed or sighed What ever)"

I am in NO WAY saying that to love any of these is wrong, hardly, I kind of wish that I could appreciate them and not feel so uncomfortable but not liking them makes me a bit of an odd ball in the odd world of Theater!

** one of the best compliments I ever received was sort of a non compliment! I was with Ell and J.E. at another performance and a man came up to those two and complimented them on a recent performance (Their performance were outstanding and I pee'd myself a few times watching them) . My dear sweet Ell being the sweetheart that she is told the man that I too was in the show. (I had played a pregnant women with a thick southern drawl) the man did not recognize me at all. At first I was sort of upset but then I thought DAMN! I sure did my job right.

2007-10-11T04:27:00.001-07:00

WOW!
What a wonderful response to yesterday's post.
I would love to have you all in the audience, it would be an honor.
And I would love to perform in the D.C area but I would have to be cast in a show there ;)

I have spoken to my family about their lack of support.
They do not seem to see their non attendance as a lack of support.
To them, a lack of support would mean discouragement and while they do not discourage me they do not exactly encourage me either.
Why?
Well, I know that I promised to try to not be so cynical but I am sure that did not include my family.
My family does not actively attend my performance because attending my performances does not do anything for them.
When my family supports one of my nieces or nephews by attending one of their sporting events
my family is able to prove to the other people attending, friends, neighbors and the like, that my family is wonderful by supporting the little or in some cases not so little tykes.
This is demonstrated by my sister attending the local High School and elementary school plays.
She goes because her neighbors and friends go to see their children and it becomes more of a social event then a theater event.
When my family comes to see me in a show the audience is comprised of an entirely different circle of people, people that my family really does not care to impress.
It is all about appearances.
I also feel that deep down my family feels, "enough is enough!" this is expressed by the phrase, "another show?"
Yes, another show!
I could probably do Guys and Dolls over and over again but then the complaint would be, "Guys and Dolls again?"
I think it is pretty neat that I have performed in over 100 plays and have only done one show more than once!
As I have said, while they do not encourage me they do not exactly discourage me either.
At the very least I can say that theater is mine alone and I do not have family members competing to see who is the best Ophelia or Blanche DuBois!

2007-10-10T04:55:00.000-07:00

Apart from my theater "work" directing, choreographing and the occasionaly stage maganing gig; I perform in about 3 local plays a year.
Some years are more, some less.
In the last year my parents, who are local too, saw one show.
In the last three years my brother has seen two.
In the last ten years my sister has seen one.
I feel the need to state my sister has gone to every local High School Play in the last four years and NO, none of her children are performers.
My aunts, who live upstairs, have seen maybe 3 shows I have been in since I moved in with them over 12 years ago.
I do not even bother telling my family about an upcoming performance because I have gotten tired of hearing, "Another show?!"
I do not tell the Aunties because they always respond, "I hope you're getting paid for this!"
Meaning that I am not allowed to leave the house if I'm not working.
So when I open this Friday I will have no family members in the audience, I will have no family in the audience on any performance.
I will, however, have lots of friends watching me and supporting me and I'd like to say "Thank you!" to them all.

2007-10-08T09:43:00.000-07:00

Call me crazy but I am going to hold out for a man
that will never doubt me
and more importantly
never allow me to doubt myself.

2007-10-07T09:28:00.000-07:00

Some days are diamonds some days are pearls...
I'd be happy with a cubic zirconium.

Do to financial circumstances I have been sharing a bedroom with my youngest.
I sleep on a day bed and she sleeps on the trundle.
For weeks I've been complaining that I just can not get comfortable on the bed and I thought it was because the mattress was shot.

Well, this morning I crawled under the bed to clean and I saw that two of the supports holding the mattress in place have snapped due to, I am sure, the cirque du kiddies that performs daily at 7:00 and 9:00.

I can't afford to buy a bed, new or used, and the only way to fix the supports is to weld them back onto the bed and I don't know anyone who makes house calls. If I tell the kids' father he'll just yell and tell them that they ruin everything that ever comes into the house which solves nothing. If I don't fix the bed I'll never get a good night's sleep.

Right now the only solution is to duck tape the supports to the bed and have the little one sleep on it while I take the trundle which squeaks horribly every time I turn and twist which I do often.

Just one day that is gem like would be nice.

2007-10-05T03:47:00.000-07:00

Hello, yes I am still here.
A bit over whelmed by life at the moment but I am still here.

I have been trying to be optimistic and hopeful and in some instances I have succeeded.
There are times however when I do not seem to realize that I am supposed to be excited about an event and times when I am really just too exhausted to even care.

I believe that my cynicism has evolved not only from my fear of disappointment but also from mental, physical and emotional exhaustion and from the constant sense of feelling insufficient. I rarley feel as if I have done enough, as if I AM enough. It is tiring and I know it is my own doing.

And you know what they say, Knowing is half the battle!

2007-09-25T04:15:00.000-07:00

My daughter was four and I was driving her to a birthday party in an unfamiliar part of town.
At each cross road I slowed down to read the sign.
I asked my little chatterbox to play quietly in the backseat as I tried to find the road I was looking for.
She replied,
"You know Momma, there is really only one road. They just give it different names so no one loses their way."

Did I mention she was four at the time?

2007-09-21T04:56:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure to see this band in concert last night.

Gaelic Storm.

They were amazing.
If you like Irish Music or Bluegrass or Zydeco you will love them.

Unfortunately they didn't play this song last night.
That's a shame, because it's my favorite!

2007-09-19T05:51:00.000-07:00

Dear______ Central School District,

The last time I checked I was sending my children to a public school that guarantees free education for every child living within the district.
I am irritated over the expense of this free education.
I find it disturbing that since September 1st I have spent over 300 dollars on my children’s free education.
I understand that I need to provide notebooks, pencils and pens for my children but why am I purchasing tissues, paper towels, hand sanitizer, sticky pads and red marking pens?
Am I to understand that I am purchasing supplies for the classroom?
A classroom in a public school.
Am I to also understand that your Middle School’s requirement of a gym uniform means that I must purchase said uniform for 15 dollars as well as a lock for a gym locker?
And what exactly does the 20 dollar activity fee provide for my child?
At this moment I would like to thank you for suggesting, in writing, that my child also have a track suit and specialized locker organizers. Perhaps you do not realize that suggested to an 11 year old means “I MUST HAVE IT.”
My middle school child was informed that she needed to type her assignments however we do not have access to a printer, does this mean I need to purchase a printer for my child’s free education?
I asked the teacher if there was an alternative but I have received no reply.
I find it uninformed to assume that every household in ________ has access to a PC and Printer.
Last night at the elementary Back to School Night I was asked to buy wrapping paper, candy, a raffle ticket and to join the PTO to support programs at this public school.
When I asked the PTO representatives which programs the 10 dollar membership fee would support I was told that much of the money goes to class trips.
I paid for all of the trips my child went on last year.
I guess the person was speaking of the coach buses that transport the children and teachers to their destinations.
I seem to recall school buses with the words _____ Central School district printed on the side.
Buses that were purchased with our school tax dollars.
Apparently they are good enough to shuttle the children back and forth to school but once the teachers board they are no longer of any use.
I am barely making ends meet.
I live pay check to pay check and if it were not for the graciousness of my children’s grandparents many of their back to school needs would be out of our means.
I am not asking for monetary assistance because I am smart enough, aware enough to realize that there are people in the district who need assistance more than I.
I am asking that our public class rooms be provided with adequate supplies so that parents do not have to stock the teacher’s closets.
I am asking that teachers and administrators familiarize themselves with the economic standing of all their students and realize that the average income of the town of _________ is just that, an average and there are many of us struggling as well as a large population that is living at or below the poverty level.
I ask that you do not suggest in writing or otherwise that parents purchase any non essential items for their children.
Children have never been able to discern between “suggest” and “must”.
I understand the importance of competitive salaries for the teachers, administrators and staff.
I understand the importance of keeping the school, the grounds and the buses safe for all.
I understand the importance of sports and extra curricular activities.
What I don’t understand is why I am footing the bill for class room supplies, gym uniforms, activity fees and still bombarded with fundraisers?
Where is the Free?
Maybe the _________Central School District provides "relatively free education for all the children living within the district"?

2007-09-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

In keeping with my new found optimism
here's a song from one of my favorite recent Musicals.
I was fortunate enough to see this on Broadways with the original cast.

2007-09-11T04:43:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time, a very long time since I have allowed myself to become excited about anything or anyone for that matter.
I have built myself a nice shell of cynicism and sarcasm.
It can be a "funny" place to be but not very happy or people friendly.
It seems that most people are not protected by a boundry of wise ass jokes and wry opbservations.
Most people look forward to life with open arms.
It seems that I have attached myself to a person who is, dare I say it, an optimist.
He becomes excited over such small things, it is a wonder to behold.
He will wax poetical about winning a stuffed animal a the local fair and I will just marvel at his
enthusiasm.
He does not understand why I can seem to muster up excitement.
It is easy.
All you need is to have disappointments in your life and the fear of the hurt from disappointment.
You begin to condition yourself to achieve constant state of nonchalance.
An "I really don't care one way or another" attitude.
A defense mechanism against the threat of disappointment.
If you do not expect anything, good or bad, how could you ever be upset over the outcome?
I had mistakenly thought that this was THE way to live.
I had thought that protecting myself from hurt and pain was the smart thing to do never realizing that by walling myself off from hurt also separated me from the possibility of happiness.

2007-09-06T05:37:00.000-07:00

Are we all familiar with The Mystery House?
Those tourist traps along well traveled highways were unexplained phenomenon occur?*
I live in an Mystery House.
Nothing as cool as a ball rolling up hill happens but there are unexplained occurring.
Everyday.
How does the toilet un-flush itself?
How does wet globs of toilet paper appear in the bath tub after every bath?
How does every light in the house mysteriously turn on during the night?
Who takes all the ice cubes?
Who eats all the Oreo cookies yet maliciously leaves the package in the cupboard?
Why does the nail clipper keep disappearing?
Why, oh why did I find a glass full of black pepper in the bedroom?
Is perhaps my house seated on an energy vortex?
Maybe the house was built upon an ancient burial ground?
The world may never know.

*is all phenomenon unexplained? Is that what makes it phenomenal?

2007-09-05T03:30:00.000-07:00

I was up at 6:00 AM.
Who am I kidding?
I've been up since 4:45 AM.
My eldest begins middle school today and though she seems to be handling it very well
I am terrified.
Terrified.
I do not know how she is handling this.
A new bus, a new school, new kids.
If it were me I'd be throwing up.
But not her.
She has had her outfit planned since July, she has mapped out her entire routine and she's already "booked" her lunch table.
I have been holding back my fears.
I have not told her that her "High School Musical" shirt may not be a good choice because someone may make fun of her, I have not told her that her choice to have a lunch box may cause her to be picked on, I have let her make her own choices and allowed her to be proud and excited by these choices.
I have not shared my fears of not fitting in, my fears of always being wrong.
She is a much braver, stronger girl than I ever was and that is a relief to me.
I spent so much of my youth being afraid of what MIGHT happen.
I still spend so much time being afraid of what might happen.
I am getting better though.
Maybe it is because adults do not pick on you as much as kids do.
15 minutes until I walk her to the bus stop and wait discreetly down the street until the bus picks her up to take her away to her new life.
Another step away from me.
Life goes on.

EDIT:
the younger child, the one who shares the same anxiety issues as I do, has just come from from school after only 3 hours. She was up until 1:00 am with a stomach ache. She was worried about not being able to find her class room. This is the first time in 3 years she's on her own without her big sister guiding her.
She's home now, sleeping after promising me that tomorrow she'll be fine.

Treasures from the sea

2007-08-29T05:54:00.000-07:00

Why do many of us have this romantic fascination for, what is essentially, trash found on the beach?

I've walked the shores of Rhode Island for over thirty years with my head almost constantly down looking for discarded shells and glass and pieces of wood tossed and worn down by the constant movement of the ocean.

Once these little bits are found they are taken gently in hand and treasured.

Collected.

Items that if found any place else would be thrown in the garbage.

Maybe it is all metaphorical?

Maybe that is all I desire?

To be found and treasured despite being less than perfect and worn down by life's constant movement.

To be thought of as beautiful in my imperfectness?

2007-08-27T11:33:00.000-07:00

The view from my deck, this is what i miss most.

2007-08-27T06:27:00.000-07:00

And so I have returned.
I've got a week's worth of laundry, emails, hone calls and dust to take care of.
Vacation was very nice though if anyone out there is in Rhode Island you know that the weather last week was el crapo!
The girls and I were on the beach every day regardless of the wind and chill!
I will post more about vacation once I get caught up on my work, that means expect another post in October!

Before we left for vacation I asked my youngest daughter to pack her Boogie board:

2007-08-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

I did not want to lie, not to my daughter.
I did not want to lie but it was necessary.
I had just finished my shower and was stepping out of the tub to allow my mud encrusted younger daughter to step in and I saw it.
A huge spider.
Huge, size of my palm huge.
I screamed, she screamed and I swear the spider screamed!
My little one high tailed it out of the bathroom buck-naked leaving a trail of mud behind her.
I jumped out of the shower naked, soaking wet and slippery as the spider made its way down the shower curtain and scuttled onto the tile floor.
I tried to calm myself, to slow my thumping heart but staring at the hairy eight legged thing made my pulse quicken and my stomach get all queasy.
I hate spiders, detest them.
They have never done anything to me other than scuttling about and moving so quickly you never know where they may be heading but I fear them, all hairy and spidery.
I knew that I was the only one who could eradicate the foe, it was entirely up to me to dispose of the spider.
I looked quickly around the bathroom and chose my weapon.
A huge wad of toilet paper.
Perhaps not the wisest choice mostly because I was still wet and the paper stuck to my arm and my thigh and my fingers.
My master plan was to catch the spider within the toilet paper wad, crush him then send him to his watery grave.
The spider did not cooperate.
I bent to squash it and it scurried away its spiny legs making noise on the tile.
I screamed again.
I tried over and over again but the spider was too agile and I was too afraid to actually come in contact with hairy spider legs to capture the beast.
The spider finally retreated to safety under the radiator.
I watched an waited and it did not reappear.
"Is it dead?"
I turned to see her little mud spattered face peering around the bathroom door.
"Is it dead?"
My eyes darted to the radiator.
"Yes, mommy killed the spider."
I lied, it was the only way to get her in the shower the only way to ensure that she would sleep soundly that evening.
The next morning as I was taking my shower I went to retrieve the soap and there sitting on my bar of Ivory was the spider, mocking me.
I almost touched it!
I screamed and the spider screamed and tried to run away but it lost its footing on the slippery soap and fell into the tub.
The spider got caught in the spray from the shower and whirled around the tub as I danced around its swirling form screaming the entire time.
My wild gesticulations knocked the shampoo bottle into the tub and the spider seeing relief scurried under the bottle.
I reacted with instinct as I stepped on the bottle finally killing the hairy beast.
"Is that the same spider?"
During the commotion my little one had come into bathroom and was standing with her eyes locked on the shampoo bottle.
What to do?
Say "yes" and then have her lose faith in me?
Tell her "no" and have her think that we are infested with palm sized screaming spiders of death?
With the hot water quickly running out I looked at her and said, "No, this is a much smaller spider, a tiny baby spider and it's dead so there's nothing to worry about."
She nodded smiled and flushed the toilet scalding me, the spider and practically melting the shampoo bottle.

I leave tomorrow for a week at the beach.
It's a vacation that I really can not afford financially but one I can not afford to miss mentally!
My ex mother in law took me to to task for going on a vacation I can not afford.
I told her that I could not disappoint the girls and that we'll be OK, so we'll have to eat pasta every night and there will be no money for extras?
I'll be alone at the beach with my girls.
What I really wanted to say was, "Perhaps if you would have spent more time with your children while they were young you wouldn't have 2 alcoholics, 1 sex addict, 1 food addict and 1 so neurotic she can not be in the same state as her siblings."
But I did not, because my mother raised me better.

I'll see you all next Sunday.

2007-08-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of directing a play,
a very difficult play I might add,
and I am in hell week.
One of my actors was trying to find her way in a scene and asked, "What do I want from 'A'?" Asking the question about what her character wants from another character is this actor's way of developing her performance.
"What do I want from ___?"
What do I want?
I have been thinking about this question myself because while I do believe you can only get what you want by asking for for what you want I have the worst time asking.
I always feel as if I will be denied but as the saying goes, there is no harm in asking.
Correct?
What do I want from...people?
Mostly I want to be liked, to be respected, I want to be special to them in some way.
And I do believe that is what I have received from most of the people in my life.
What do I want from the new person I am "seeing"?
I know what I do not want.
I do not want a "daddy" for my girls or a husband for me, I do not want a "knight in shining armour" or a "sugar Daddy"* or someone to take care of me.
I want to be liked, I want to be respected and I want to be special to him in some way.
That is not a lot to ask for, is it?
Yet, I do not ask and I do not know if it is because of my hesitancy to ask for anything or if it is because those things are so basic it would be stupid to ask for them?
I do know that he likes me, I can tell.
I know that he respects me as a person and grudgingly as an artist**.
It is the special I do not know about and that seems to be what I really want, right now, to be special to him.
Will I ask?
Of course not.
I will sit here and think about it, talk about it, write about it, burn a hole in my stomach over this burning question of special-ness but I will never ask.
"Silly, silly girl. Silly Baby"

*Oh I have dreamed of finding a Sugar Daddy but I know, in my heart, I could never be the kind of a person who is 'with' someone only for their money.
**Actors!

2007-08-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

Life Lessons
A catch phrase I picked up from the movie
This is My Life
I use it often with my children, my students and whoever cares to listen to me.
Today's Life Lessons to my girls:

When bagging groceries always put the soft stuff on top.
Be yourself no matter what.
Never, ever lick the top of a 9 volt battery.
Always keep a clean pair of panties in the glove compartment because sh*t happens.

And to my Adult Students:
When in doubt shake your booty.

2007-08-10T07:31:00.000-07:00

I want romance this weekend.
I am going to ask for romance, politely of course,
and if I do not get it then I will romance myself.

Any suggestions?
How does one romance oneself?
Flowers, candy, long walks on the beach?

2007-08-08T07:10:00.001-07:00

Thank you for being honest.
Why is it necessary to thank an adult for being honest?
I can understand thanking a child who may not understand the consequences of lying but an adult who knows right from wrong, why do we do that?
Being honest is morally right so why do we thank people for doing something they are supposed to do as a good person.
I do it, I thank people for being honest all the time, I thank people for making the right choice and stand up for what is right, I thank people for being decent.
I would never want to be thought of as ungrateful.
But am I the only one that thinks it is odd to thank an adult for telling the truth?

2007-08-06T05:51:00.000-07:00

I tried to be open minded when he told me that I should not be afraid to show my emotions but I was flabbergasted.
I had to repeat the statement to myself, twice.
I should not be afraid to show my emotions?
I should not be afraid to show my emotions!
I have always thought of myself as an emotional person, I can cry at the drop of the hat, I laugh easily, I love hugs and kisses.
I did agree that I am quick, maybe too quick some times, to show my anger or displeasure but that's who I am.
I have an emotion and I express that emotion.
I asked contestant number one if he was trying to tell me that I should only show "POSITIVE " emotions and keep my "negative" emotions to myself.
He grinned sheepishly.
I asked if the necessity for keeping my negative emotions to myself was because of my gender.
A shrug and a "not necessarily"
I turned the question to contestant number two.
"Do I need to show my emotions more?"
"Well, you do need to smile more."
"I need to smile more?"
"Sometimes you get this 'look' on your face?"
"What 'look'?"
"That non smiling 'look'"
"The look on my face when I am not smiling? The look on my face when I am thinking?"
"Yeah, you need to not think so much."
"I need to smile more and not think so much"
"Yeah, exactly."
"OK, you do realize that just because I am not smiling it doesn't mean I'm frowning, right? Or unhappy or unfriendly it just means I'm not smiling."
I don't think I could just sit somewhere with a smile on my face because well...just because. People will think I am a lunatic. Do you just sit there with a smile on your face?"
"Well, no not always but you're-"
And so at the end of another very long Monday in July I was informed that because I am a woman I should never show anger or displeasure in public and I should think less and smile all the time.
I did glance at the calender, it was 2007 I had not traveled backwards in time.
Since contestant number one and contestant number two are men that I care about I tried to take what they said with a grain of salt and use it to better myself.
It is always good to control your anger, to channel it and use the emotion wisely and smiling a little more could not harm anyone.
I did inform them that if they or any person wanted an air-headed Barbie doll they would need to just find another woman to speak with because I prefer to think and correspond my faces to the emotions I am feeling and not to what "society" wants to see.

A woman on the edge.

2007-07-31T05:40:00.000-07:00

A woman stands at the edge of a cross walk waiting for the correct time to cross the street. She watches some of the crowd as they cross at a moment of their choosing, dodging traffic with a blatant disregard for their safety and the safety of others.
As she waits with the remaining crowd a speeding car races by and throws up a torrent of muddy water that covers the woman head to toe.
The reaction of the people surrounding her is varied. There are some who are busy with their own crossing and never see the woman. There are some who want to help, who believe they should help yet are trapped within the flow of the moving crowd.
There are those who stop and offer her any assistance they have and the woman is grateful but because of circumstances beyond their control the help does nothing but sooth the woman, the dirt remains.
Then there are those who are carrying with them the tools needed to help the woman, tools that either could have prevented the car from throwing up the mud or tools to remove all traces of dirt. They offer her no assistance because helping her would be of no benefit to them. She can only offer her gratitude and gratitude has no value to these people.
Not every crosswalk holds such misery for the woman. There are times when the cross over is clean and painless but for many, many blocks each cross has been the same; dirt thrown up in her face for one simple reason, following the beat of her own drummer.
Each time the dirt is thrown the woman takes responsibility, "The dirt was thrown at me because I stood on the edge."
But could that be true?
Other people stand on the edge and yet they don't have dirt thrown at them and those people who cross whenever they want why doesn't anything happen to them?
The woman tries to understand why this is happening.
Should she take a different route?
Should she change where she stands in the crowd?
Should she hide behind the other people who chose to wait on the edge?
Should she not cross and stay where she is circling the same block over and over again?
She wishes that just once a person who possesses the power to protect her would do so, just once.

2007-07-26T06:45:00.000-07:00

New beginnings.
They hold such promise.
They are filled with hopes and dreams.
Of course there is a price to pay for new beginnings and that is endings.
This one was sweet and full of kindness, more of a change than an ending.
I really do not know what the future holds for me but for now, for right now I feel as if anything is possible.

2006-12-16T04:00:00.000-08:00

"You haven't hugged me in a long time"

I had climbed on top of the covers and wrapped my arms around my eldest to wake her up for school.
She was right I hadn't hugged her in a long time.
I had told her I loved her hundreds of times and told her how great I think she is, how pretty, what a good person she is but I hadn't hugged her in a long time.
Mostly because she hadn't been very huggable lately.
See, she's 10 and not weathering the changes occurring around her too well.
She's been down right nasty to me and her sibling and just about everyone else in the family.
She hadn't been very huggable and I missed my chance.
It seems that when a person isn't huggable THAT'S exactly when they need a hug the most.

"You haven't hugged me in a long time"

"You're right and I apologize. How can I make it up to you?"

"You can let me sleep for another 10 minutes?"

"Nice try. Get up!"

And I hugged her again.

2006-11-28T04:34:00.000-08:00

I know what I want for Christmas!
I want a SAP!
I want someone who asks me first before making all decisions, someone who thinks of me while choosing an outfit to wear, someone who'll give up the best part of the cake for me.
I want someone to think of me evey waking moment of the day, someone who'll say, "Let me ask ____ first."
Someone who has plans for us, someone who is dreaming of our life together.
I want someone who'll tell the world that they are mine.
I want someone to fall head over heels in love with me and put me first.

Maybe I should just get a wife?

2006-11-07T04:16:00.000-08:00

Is it OK for me to not believe in Santa Claus anymore?

I looked at my 10 year old daughter, her eyes searching mine for signs of approval.

Is it OK for me not to believe in Santa Claus anymore?

What was I going to say? No it's not OK to grow up, to move on? No it's not OK to put aside childish things and take a big step towards adulthood?

Is it OK for me not to believe in Santa Claus anymore?

My head swam with visions of her first Christmas, her eyes bulged out of her head at the sight of the presents left under the tree by Santa Claus and letters written and re written to the jolly old elf. I held back tears as I recalled plates of cookies and carrots left out right before too late bedtimes on Christmas Eve.

I blinked back my tears and looked at her and really saw her. A young girl on the verge of puberty desperately wanting to grow up yet a part of her still wishing to remain a child.

Is it OK for me not to believe in Santa Claus anymore?

Yes of course it's OK, if it's OK I still believe in Santa Claus?

She smiled, nodded her head and gave me a big hug.

Christmas sure is going to be a little different this year!

2006-10-20T05:34:00.000-07:00

...For the men who have loved you, they believed...

It keeps staring at me from my computer screen. It's there, someone wrote it about me in another place.
I keep reading it over and over again and can't believe what is the truth.
There hasn't been a man who loved me.
I refuse to count my High School boy friend even though he did tell me he loved me but he loved Star Wars and Samantha Fox too.
My ex?
I suppose he thought he loved me but as time goes by I realize that this poor man is unable to love.
That leaves...no one.
No one has been in love with me.
Oh I've been with 2 other men, one who was a player and my current...other but there is no love. There is a certain fondness but love? No.
I bring this all up to reiterate the fact that I do not think that being in love is everyone's lot in life.
Every one deserves love and I do have an abundance of love in my life but not everyone is going to be in love or have some one who is in love with them.
Don't even try to tell me otherwise.
I know that you know of at least one person that just never seems to find 'the one'.
It's fine, I'll survive.
My kind always does.
Please don't tell me other wise it really doesn't help when you say, "there's someone for every one" or "You're worthy of love".
False hope is so damaging.
I am not sad or depressed about this, wistful perhaps but not unhappy.
I have love in my life just not all kids of love.

2006-10-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

I want heat.
I want romance.
I want that “I can’t breath when I think about him” feeling.
I find myself envious of people who seem to fall in love at the drop of a hat,
Jealous of women who inspire corny love songs and googly eyed men.
I want poetry and roses.
I just don’t think that this is my lot in life.
It’s not a matter of me feeling worthy or not.
I just think that I have so many other wonderful things in life that
Romance and heat and being in love would be overload.
It’s like, I am not fated to be blonde or tall.
I am not fated to have that “one true love” that all consuming passion.
I just wish that I wasn’t constantly reminded of my fate.

2006-10-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

I was never prepared for the fear, the fear that comes with being a parent.
They tell you about the good times and mostly about how tough it is but I never recall anyone telling me how afraid I’d be all the time.
I don’t let the fear dictate my life but I feel it almost all the time lurking at the edges of my vision.
They run across the road, guided by their bus driver, and I have visions of cars running the stop sign and plowing into their little bodies.
I smile and wave and let them go.
They go off with their grand parents and I fear that they will be snatched from under the hopefully watchful gaze of nana and pop pop.
Sexual predators, psycho serial killers, bullies, tainted school lunches.
SO much to worry about, fears so real!
And yet I smile and wave and let them go.

2006-09-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

What do you believe when some one tells you that you are beautiful?
I know people say it to you and I know the people who say it to you are trustworthy and yet why don't you believe them, why?
I know I don't believe them.
People who would never ever lie to me have said that I am beautiful and I think that they are just being nice to me.
Some of you are aware that I have another existence.
My other persona receives many compliments and it has been said that I am what every man desires.
I have even received personal letters saying as much and though I am flattered I just don't believe it's true.
I mean really, how can it be true considering the way my life has been?
Yet if and when some troll calls me a whore or tells me that I am a bad mother I believe that in an instant.
Why are we* so willing to believe bad things about ourselves and deny any compliments?

* WE meaning women. I can not speak for men having never been a man.

2006-09-07T12:57:00.000-07:00

Why do I go to places that will only upset me?
Why do I search for things that will only cause my stomach to twist into a knot?
Why do I even bother to view events that will make me feel bad about myself?
Do I have an inner masochist that thrives on the anxiety and anger and self doubt and should have would have could haves that lurk in these spots?
Spots that I know should be forbidden to me?
Want compells me to even WANT to go there?
What is lacking in the good places in my life that drives me into these horrible zones?

2006-08-27T08:52:00.000-07:00

When did I become cynical?
When did pessimism take over my being?
Though I did grow up with a pessimistic father and a mother who always prepared for the worst I myself had a perfectly wonderful childhood, a childhood full of love and controlled freedom and make believe.
I remember believing that everyone loved me because my parents loved me, believing everything would turn out right, I remember believing in dreams, I remember having dreams!
I remember never believing that happiness ends, that people hurt you or that things just didn’t matter.
I am not sure when I began to expect the worst and believe that everyone was out for themselves.
I wish I wasn’t that way.
I wish that I could enjoy the company of my current partner instead of worrying about the day when he disappears from my life.
There!
Do you see what I just did?
I automatically assumed that HE will be disappearing.
I wish I could have goals instead of just meandering through life dodging heart ach and heart break.
I wish I could create something and say to myself, “This is wonderful, beautiful and everyone will love it.”
Instead of saying, “No one will ever see this so what does it matter?”
I am afraid that this blackness will take over my life or worse the life of my children.
I think I can trace this pessimism and cynicism back to fear.
I think it’s my fear of being hurt, fear of ADMITTING that I was hurt and fear of admitting that I make mistakes that hurt me that make me pessimistic.
How do you recover from that?

2006-08-25T17:57:00.000-07:00

File this under Letters I needed to write but will never send.

Dear Miss Young Thing,

The word of the day is “smothering”.
Yes, I can tell even from this distance that you are smothering him.
If I am getting annoyed and tired of seeing your face and hearing you proclaim that “He’s my boyfriend” imagine how he must feel?
Do you ever wonder why he does not answer your comments or add any of his own?
He is trying to keep his distance.
No matter how much you may want it, he is not going to settle down.
A more mature person would be able to see that.
I tell you a secret about him, one that I bet you did not know.
Your boyfriend screws around.
Oh, yeah.
While you are here saying how wonderful he is and staking your claim to his life he is out there looking for a woman to fill the holes you have left in him.
He has done it before to women far wiser than you, my young thing.
He knows exactly how to do it too.
He is handsome and he is charming.
He is romantic and knows exactly when to make his move.
And he kisses like an angel.
Ah, yes I was one of his…paramours.
Relax I have no interest in him now.
OK, that is a lie, if he called me right now I would take him just to prove that I can.
You see, you got my back up with the ‘down the nose’ looks and the ‘old’ remark.
True I am nearly 20 years older than you but those 20 years has brought me experience and patience and a cynicism that allows me to f**k his brains out, make him fall for me and walk away.
Remember that the next time we run into each other again.
I had him before and I know exactly how to get him back.
Stop thinking you are all that because the fall from the high and mighty tree is long and hard.

DL

2006-08-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

We sat and talked
in the dying light
of a perfect Sunday evening
and he opened up
and spoke of the women in his past.
He recalled them all.
The ones that were funny,
the smart ones,
the ones who turned out to be trouble
and as he spoke and reminisced
I wondered, how I will be remembered?
I wondered how he will speak of me
when my body has left his presence.
When my kiss no longer lingers on his lips what will linger in his mind?
I have thought
and I have thought
and I realized
that I want to be remembered
with a sigh.

There are those of you who will read this and think,
“Why is she thinking that they will part?”
Well, I have to be away from him sometimes.
I am not ONLY speaking of if and when we will part ways
but also of the times I am not with him and someone asks about me.
What is she like?
I would love it if he just sighed before answering.

2006-08-18T06:29:00.000-07:00

I try very hard to be secure in myself yet insecurities seem to define my life.
I wish I knew why I was hard wired to feel inadequate when a man, who just complimented me or just flirted with me, flirts with another woman?
Why do I feel I have failed as a mother when I see other mothers calmly communicate with their children.
Is it me, or does society expect insecurities from women?

2006-08-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

I was enjoying a post from Sassinak yesterday and in the middle of the page were these words;

you are who you choose to be,
you are who you think you are
and you are who you say you are.

I’ve been thinking about those words ever since.

How many times have I said, “I’m not a singer!” or “I’m not a head turner.”
Or “I’m a ditz.” Or any number of self deprecating statements?

I am who I chose to be.
I am who I think I am.
I am who I say I am.

I am me, a work in progress.

2006-08-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

I believe that fairy tales do not come true.
I feel that believing in fairy tales causes nothing but heart ache.
I should know, I once believed in them.
I once believed that a handsome prince would ride up on his white charger (metaphorically speaking) and take me away.
I believed he would sweep me off my feet with one perfect kiss and we would live happily ever after.
Now, of course that did not happen and the pressures I put upon myself as well as the pressures of a society obsessed with “happily ever after’s” caused me to accept a less than healthy relationship.
When I believed in fairy tales I was miserable.
I was always waiting and watching and hoping.
When I put fairy tales aside and started believing in myself and all the wonderful things that are out there I became much happier.
I write my own story now, with my own beginnings and endings instead of passively waiting for an anonymous author to plan out my life.

2006-08-06T05:54:00.000-07:00

I once read that in order to receive what you want you must ask for it.
Sensible, no?
This author suggested that one should keep a list of their wants and post it so that other people can see what is wanted and then provide the wants.
I made a list.
The funny thing is, not one thing on my list can be bought in a store, or on line.

Here is just a few.

I want security.
I want to feel worthy.
I want to feel beautiful.
I want anger to be an elusive memory.
I want to feel butter flies in my stomach when I am with him and know that he feels the same way. (Do men get butterflies?)

2006-08-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

From the Bottom up HNT

I often wonder who is following whose footsteps.

I admire her for her spirit.
For her compassion.
For her Creativity.
For her sense of wonder.
For her trust.
For her all encompassing power to love willing and unconditionally.

2006-07-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

If you can't quantify what love is, perhaps you could narrow it down.
What is love NOT?
~Balloon Pirate.

Love is not annoyed.
Love is not angry.
Love is not bored.
Love is not selfish.
Love is not mean.
Love is not lonely.
Love is not conditional.
Love is not only what you when when you want.
Love is not fear.

2006-07-29T04:52:00.000-07:00

Do people have relationship talks?
Do men really tell you that they are 'exclusive' or 'monogamous'?
Or do they show you?
Are you supposed to know if they have feelings for you by their actions?

2006-07-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

Kiss me with soft lips.
Hold me tenderly.
Let me into your world.
Give me glimpse of our future.

Perhaps we have no future and you are only protecting me from the inevitable?

I know, I think too much.

2006-07-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

Is the first person to say "I love you."
the loser?

Why does it feel that way?

Why does it feel like you always lose when you fall in love?

2006-07-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow.
So far at least until tomorrow,
I'll never fall in love again!
I'll never fall in love again!

~Burt Bacharach

2006-07-18T05:59:00.000-07:00

My soul is crying out for a youth that I never had while my body slides ever faster into the decay of middle age.

2006-07-17T06:33:00.000-07:00

I am a peri- menopausal women on the edge of sanity.

What if you've been lying all along?
It's possible.
What if you have succumbed to the societal urge to be polite and have been lying to me all along?
What if I am EXACTLY who I see in the mirror and not the person you say I am?
Would I be better off believing what I see instead of trying to believe what I hear from your lips?
I know how I feel inside and I feel how I look.