When did I become cynical?
When did pessimism take over my being?
Though I did grow up with a pessimistic father and a mother who always prepared for the worst I myself had a perfectly wonderful childhood, a childhood full of love and controlled freedom and make believe.
I remember believing that everyone loved me because my parents loved me, believing everything would turn out right, I remember believing in dreams, I remember having dreams!
I remember never believing that happiness ends, that people hurt you or that things just didn’t matter.
I am not sure when I began to expect the worst and believe that everyone was out for themselves.
I wish I wasn’t that way.
I wish that I could enjoy the company of my current partner instead of worrying about the day when he disappears from my life.
There!
Do you see what I just did?
I automatically assumed that HE will be disappearing.
I wish I could have goals instead of just meandering through life dodging heart ach and heart break.
I wish I could create something and say to myself, “This is wonderful, beautiful and everyone will love it.”
Instead of saying, “No one will ever see this so what does it matter?”
I am afraid that this blackness will take over my life or worse the life of my children.
I think I can trace this pessimism and cynicism back to fear.
I think it’s my fear of being hurt, fear of ADMITTING that I was hurt and fear of admitting that I make mistakes that hurt me that make me pessimistic.
How do you recover from that?
8 comments:
one day at a time sweetie.
one day at a time.
xoxo
okay i swear i commented on your letter to her post but it's gone now. it's been a strange weekend for that for me. also? i was away when you posted your response to my 'you are who...' post but i'm flattered and touched. what a lovely thing to inspire.
okay, i am an incredibly cynical person who nonetheless manages good cheer and optimism. i trust easily, i treat honestly and i try to share joy and i do those things BECAUSE of how little trust i have in the world. the only thing i can think of to do is to be an example of a better way, to share kindnesses and my self alike... so i do it, and i am the happier for it.
but that doesn't make me any less of a cynic.
more than that i didn't find my calling until i was in my thirties... make choices with your heart and counsel from your head and you will find your path all unexpectedly one day.
and if he disappears? know too that your life will be the better for it.
and if no one sees it it matters to YOU and that is all that matters. live your best and happiest life, find your truth in yourself and joy in the universe... or to quote my favourite native proverb "no one will go to your grave for you"
:)
remember too that your children will inherit much from you and that your blackness is but one aspect of the many faceted jewel that is you.
*hug*
i once decided that i had made a lot of mistakes and that i would make a lot more... and i was right, but nonetheless it was freeing to admit it ...
okay soapbox mode off.
Hopes for nothing and expects the worst..........
that's me
I've heard that some sailors would cling to a sinking ship even as it submerged, because they were too afraid to let go of it.
It's hard to let go of one thing when you don't think there'll be anything else to hold on to.
I guess for me, part of it is learning that I don't have to hold on to anything--including fear. I'm discovering that I don't need to hold onto things, people, or emotions in order to live my life.
And part of it is discovering that, when I fall, there will be other people there to support me. I don't need to hold on to them, because they're holding on to me, for as long as I need them to, and then they'll let go.
They're called friends.
Have you ever seen the movie Finding Nemo? It's one of my favorite movies. I think it's one of the great movies of all time, especially regarding the issue of fear.
There's one scene where Marlin and Dora are inside a whale. Dora, who thinks she can talk to the whale, says that she and Marlin should move to the back of the throat. Marlin disagrees, and at one point, holds onto the whales' tongue, and grabs Dora by the fin.
"How do you know?" he shouts at her as they dangle over the abyss. "How do you know everything's going to be all right?"
She looks up at him, and shouts back "I don't!"
Knowing that things will be OK, without knowing what the outcome will be, is the beginning of faith.
When you have faith in yourself--when you can believe that things will be better tomorrow if you let them be better, will bring an end to cynicism.
When you create something, and think 'This is wonderful, beautiful, and I will love it,' you will start to be happier.
You can do this.
Let go.
yeharr
Wow Pirate........that was beautiful.
I will never be able to watch Finding Nemo again without thinking of your words.......
amazing comment
Why bother being afraid? Give, receive, and don't expect more than today. Do you really NEED someone else? Be whole unto yourself and no one can truly hurt you. You'll still be disappointed and sad at times, but no one can devastate you. And that doesn't mean being a cold-hearted bitch. Just give freely...without expectation. Let your gifts be free rather than bribes to bring someone back tomorrow....
Thank you all.
Your words have touched me and I will take them to heart.
at times (like the week when Aunt Flo is visiting) I find myself being cyncial, pessimistic also when I get ticked off at work at ugly people and unfair tactics, I'm the first to crack a cyncial joke.
I don't like that about myself so I have been trying to counteract the pessimism with positivity.
My positivity is going to Mass, finding something inspiring in my day-that's right I seek it out,
thru nature, smiles (sometimes those are real hard to find), scripture, quotes, music!, and I try to find a quiet place sometime in my day to find my center and be calm.
And yes, some days are really hard to to do that!
Also, blogland has been inspiring as well.
Blessings!
Post a Comment