I am in the process of directing a play,
a very difficult play I might add,
and I am in hell week.
One of my actors was trying to find her way in a scene and asked, "What do I want from 'A'?" Asking the question about what her character wants from another character is this actor's way of developing her performance.
"What do I want from ___?"
What do I want?
I have been thinking about this question myself because while I do believe you can only get what you want by asking for for what you want I have the worst time asking.
I always feel as if I will be denied but as the saying goes, there is no harm in asking.
Correct?
What do I want from...people?
Mostly I want to be liked, to be respected, I want to be special to them in some way.
And I do believe that is what I have received from most of the people in my life.
What do I want from the new person I am "seeing"?
I know what I do not want.
I do not want a "daddy" for my girls or a husband for me, I do not want a "knight in shining armour" or a "sugar Daddy"* or someone to take care of me.
I want to be liked, I want to be respected and I want to be special to him in some way.
That is not a lot to ask for, is it?
Yet, I do not ask and I do not know if it is because of my hesitancy to ask for anything or if it is because those things are so basic it would be stupid to ask for them?
I do know that he likes me, I can tell.
I know that he respects me as a person and grudgingly as an artist**.
It is the special I do not know about and that seems to be what I really want, right now, to be special to him.
Will I ask?
Of course not.
I will sit here and think about it, talk about it, write about it, burn a hole in my stomach over this burning question of special-ness but I will never ask.
"Silly, silly girl. Silly Baby"
*Oh I have dreamed of finding a Sugar Daddy but I know, in my heart, I could never be the kind of a person who is 'with' someone only for their money.
**Actors!
8 comments:
Good Morning Dark Lady,
If it bothers you that much, you should probably ask, I doubt he's a mind reader.
By the way I think your special.
Thanks Karl but what if he says no or says yeah special like special ed?
I THINK THIS CAN BE LINKED TO YOUR "THANK YOU FOR BEING HONEST" POST. IT'S BETTER TO ASK AND FIND OUT THE TRUTH WHETHER IT BE ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. THEN YOU KNOW FOR SURE, IS THIS A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS JUST OK FOR RIGHT NOW OR CAN THIS BE FOR A LONGER TERM.
I agree that you can only get what you want by asking for it. But this has its limitations.
I cannot ask someone to like me. That person will either like me, or not. I have no control over their likes or dislikes.
I cannot behave a certain way in hopes that this behavior will make someone like me. Especially if the way I'm behaving is not a way that I want to be. This will only create resentments in me, and will portray me in a way that is false.
I must realize that the only person I need to get to like me...is me.
If I don't like myself, how can I expect anyone else to like me.
The trick to this is an honest and unflinching evaluation of myself. An inventory, categorizing the things about me that I like, and the things about me I don't like. Once I do that, I then must work on quitting the things I don't like.
If I keep doing this, I will end up being a person I like. I'm also certain that others will like me for the person I am. Not everyone, of course, and those who don't like me I probably won't like either, and I'll do my best to keep my distance from them.
Hopefully, someone who likes me will grow to love me, and I will do the same with her. If not, that's fine, too.
I cannot worry about what other people think about me, as long as I'm behaving in a way that allows me to like myself.
yeharr
I really have nothing to add to what has already been said.... except (you knew that was coming):
What's wrong with a Knight in Shining Armor?
Actors is right!!! what kind of crazy person gets involved with actors... oh wait, that would be me...
Special to me is something that develops over time. You can like and respect someone after a single meeting, but special takes time. Its also a tough question to ask - am I special to you - because everyone has different ideas of what that means and it is something that can be hard to qualify. From what little I know of you (and assuming he knows a great deal more) I would have a hard time imagining you wouldn't be special to him, but special in the way that you hope - that will require some feeling out on your part. Not necessarily asking him directly.
For what its worth, special like special ed (like getting heels caught while pole dancing, for a random example, pulled completely out of thin air) can be endearing and can make you special to someone. You might even consider it a form of honesty or humility.
And if you find out that for some crazy reason he doesn't think you're special, then at least you know and can evaluate where you are and how you want to proceed. It wouldn't be the best feeling to find that out, but it would be worse finding it out later, perhaps when expectations are raised, and you've committed even more of yourself.
I also agree with BP, but sometimes being honest with yourself can be honesty in its most difficult form.
Asking, aye there's the rub.
Sometimes you get what you ask for - which may turn out to be good or bad
Sometimes the person you are asking can't or does not know how to give what you are asking for - bummer.
Sometimes you get more than you ask for, way, way more - again that is a crap shoot as to whether it is good or bad.
Lastly the person you ask hears the words but the meaning is lost which leads to frustration all around.
But you might as well ask, the alternative is to stay home and watch TV reruns.
Good luck on the play.
You are special. And you deserve to know just how special you are. If he is the right one, you will know he thinks your special. If he is not, then the one that will treat you as special is waiting right around the corner.
Hugs.
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